The tiredness when approaching the staircase seems to indicate an edge. I go often, then divert, pause, gather perspective, go or don’t go. Divert.
Sometimes, when I go I am fascinated by the openness of my discoveries.
The fallen ceiling seems to change things. It is so complex and elaborate. Both in what it reveals about the construction age and method of the once ceiling. But also as to how to safeguard the site and the passers-by.
It seems to want to take its own place within this.
I giggle when I realise that M had been talking about his fear of replication: of the halogen ceiling light and various cracks across. And, above all, L was away and would be no help.
The tiredness seems method. As much as the failure in the peripheral vision is.
Are there places where I cannot stand? That I cannot take.
The tiredness follows me here too.
I feel it. I can actually see it with my eyes struggling to focus.
That edge of the site has bled into my physical ageing process.
I am becoming that edge.
And so does the peripheral vision
It is the moment when I catch myself chasing thoughts and scenarios, so vividly and then so utterly out of reach.
It is a process I have known all my life. That inbetween waking and sleeping space where I and all seems to be altogether different. It is so present and yet also always just out of reach.
Sometimes we trick ourselves into recognising each other.
Depositing scraps is one way of approaching this.
The other is not paying attention at all
(until it comes to you)
And if you ignore it further still it will eventually shout right at your face.
In full view.
The various sites of scrap
Here: inside different notes and notebooks. don’t miss a single one.